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some portraits I've been writing

The Old Ones
His wife died after years of suffering in a nursing home.  She served the husband who was a conductor with several orchestras. Became the voice of his American Indian Institute.  Why always the server, not the initiator?  He would say they were partners, that he couldn't have done a thing without her.  But still. He lives in a big house, has meals served by Meals on Wheels, and a housecleaner. He is deaf and cannot drive anymore.  He's 90.
Another 90-year-old woman still drives even in snow.  She has family members who do things for her. A cat found her house. In the morning she gets coffee and cereal and takes to her bed.  She lingers over her inspirational books.  She goes to the Episcopal  Church and several AA meetings weekly and is devoted to any AA member.  She is pretty, warm, coiffed, and fashionable.  She reads mysteries and likes movies.  One of her sons was killed by a truck.  She adopted two.  Her daughter is a soft-spoken seamstress.
A woman in her 80s does not remember much but she remains cheerful and political.  She lives in an assisted living after she lost the ability to see very well.  She is also nearly deaf.  She and friends meet to discuss politics.
My friends and I look ahead with dread.
 
Girls, like women in gym.  Being "in.".  In junior high I started a new school in Texas.  It seemed friendships were already formed.  On the playground I hung out with another shy girl.  Her name was Sylvia.  She was big and wore tent dresses.  We swung on the swings and made small talk.  Even then I knew she was a hick compared to me who had come from the big city of Chicago.  There was a group of swish girls, who dressed well and were more or less pretty.  One was homely but was a neighbor of the prettiest so she was in.  Suddenly I was included.  I don't know why nor if it was good for me.
The same at the gym class I go to now.  At first I watched how a group of 6-7 clustered around each other before class started, laughing and talking.  I would nod and exchange a word or two with one of them.  Mostly I waited alone looking out the window.  Then suddenly I've become part of the group. 
What is it that makes girls decide you're ok?  It's like a group of swallows changing direction.
 
Richard. ... has tended to my yard for 20 years.  He works hard even in the cold and heat.  He is strong with a jutting stomach.  Wears suspenders on his old, baggy jeans.  His mouth puckers sometimes uncomfortably close to mine, his hair and eyes are gray.  He doesn't charge much.  He has a hard time keeping track of his jobs.  He is not professional but he knows his trees and shrubs and plants by their Latin names.  Every winter he goes to seminars on trees, insects, and soil.  In the spring he composes a "letter" to his clients.  I type it up for him so it looks "good." The problem with Richard is that he is a repetitive talker.  He could chew the fat for hours. Mostly complaining about all that he has to do or how wrong this or that landscaper is.  I have had to learn to stop the flow.
 
 

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Best Book I've Read Lately

The book gave me hope for us and the Earth-- the first to counter my despair over species disappearing.

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#1 on my bucket list

Since I grew up in Chicago and knew South Shore well, I want very much to go to Obama's presidential library and see Tiger Woods golf course that blends Jackson Park with South Shore's former country club, now cultural center. I want to see how the lake front is changed in such a positive way.
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Leslie Jamison's book on Alcohol & Ink

Re article by Greenberg in New Yorker, April 2nd 2018:

Why didn’t Mr. Greenberg stick to Leslie Jamison’s book on alcoholic writers? She is a recovering alcoholic; he obviously is not. The Big Book is not synonymous with AA. Many attend AA meetings without ever reading the book. And what’s wrong with the program having been defined by two white guys? Are their contributions not to be recognized anymore? AA has helped numerous people stay sober. Why knock it? Why not praise its good qualities? Mr. Greenberg would not make a good therapist for those who have or who those around them think they have a problem with alcohol. Many therapists require clients to stop drinking to clear up their cloudy thinking. Greenberg is an intellectual enabler. Read More 
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Rebirth & Renewal Symbols

“I found myself in a dark wood” ~
Dante before envisioning The Divine Comedy.


When we stand at a crossroads and need to make a transition, we must first enter the dark night of the soul. Out of confusion and seeming chaos the new path emerges.
Everyone has difficulties—some inordinately hard but all essential to their calling. We struggle in relationships, work, health, and with how to live meaningfully. We must make transitions—literally die to one way of life and be reborn into another.
When we feel a failure or have a loss forced upon us, only one hope offers solace — that of starting over. The hope and dream of these moments of total crisis are to obtain a definitive and total renovatio, a renewal capable of transmuting life. Even the nonreligious in the depths of their being sometimes feel the desire for this kind of spiritual transformation.

When we must die to the old way and be reborn to the new, the rites of mysteries and the images of myths bring us comfort. They help us to get out of the purely cognitive mode and find truths in deeper, soulful ways.— Read More 
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The heart of the memoir, 5 tips

What is the Real Story
in your memoir; fiction or nonfiction
5 Tips for uncovering it
Always start with a short meditation or quiet moment to improve your concentration
1 Write an anecdote from one period of the person’s life. If a memoir, choose yourself.
2 Describe in detail two memories from that time. Include all your senses — touch (fabric), hearing, smell, sight, and taste (food is SO resonant).
3 What was going on for the person at this time? What decisions was he or she facing? What transition? What path did he or she not take?
4 Then pull your thoughts together and write a scene about this time in present or past tense. Select a point of view and establish a tone. Use action verbs. Try to avoid “was” or “there” as they are weak words.
5 Use dialogue between people that has tension or humor in it.
Now you have a section, maybe a chapter, and can go on to the next.
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sudden hearing loss

Last week I had an awful shock: A GPS unit I ordered emitted a fierce blast when I turned it on (near my ear). After that I couldn’t hear words and there was a jangling around any sound. After measurements were made, a 3-week course of Prednisone was prescribed. I struggle through phone calls and can only converse if the person looks at me directly. Recovering my hearing can take quite awhile, and there are no guarantees. But it's good for reading through my stack of unread books and catching up on this blog. Read More 
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Tips for Understanding dreams

Dreams are like Fed-Ex Messages from Your Soul
Tips for Understanding Them
Dreams pop up from the stream of unconscious imagery constantly flowing beneath the surface of our egos. Because they may seem as confounding as riddles, don’t let these messages pass you by. To benefit from them, all you need to do is catch two-three a month and reflect on them.

Symbols appear to announce new attitudes and the next phase of life. If we reflect on them in our solitude, a minor or major rebirth in our daily lives can be set in motion.
An example is when a person dreams of a child, the dream can be seen to be about the beginning or creative attitude that comes at the end of conflicts. The new way or path is symbolized by the child. The child must be cared for and helped to grow. Your dreams will show you when your child is being neglected by containing a crying or hungry baby.
A different kind of symbol is going into water where the old is washed away and the new is born.  Read More 
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Inner Wisdom of the Body

Inner Wisdom of the Body
Tips for Befriending it

We are born into a particular body with a certain gender, genes, predispositions and upbringing. We all start out from babyhood, advance through stages, and ultimately face death. We see, smell, taste, touch, and hear via our bodies, although in the course of living we might lose one or more senses—with regret. With our bodies we know our most intimate relationships with others, experience our emotions as we go through the day, feel the effects of food, exercise, and contact with nature. Our bodies also are agents for healing.

Here are some journal techniques that will help you make contact with your body’s inner wisdom.  Read More 
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Charlie Rose, My Late-Night Husband

Charlie Rose, My Late-Night Husband

I have watched “The Charlie Rose Show” almost every night since the 1990s. I’ve called him my TV husband. I’ve spent more time listening, absorbing, looking at him than most spouses do their partners. I’ve learned things: his vulnerability with dogs, his gratitude to the doctors and woman who helped him through his heart surgery and aftermath, his working with his father in the family store in North Carolina. His regret for not interviewing his parents when they were alive. His love for politics, sports, the arts, architecture, music.
I am faithful, I love him though we’ve never met in person. I’ve had many dreams in which he invites me to his apartment. I am thrilled, wary in the way one is when one is in new territory. The atmosphere is erotic. We talk. I would like to be embraced, to be desired, to fuse. Read More 
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